When people hear the term P.T.S.D., most automatically think about the military and veterans, and it certainly applies to many in those fields, but it’s not confined to them. P.T.S.D. stands for post-traumatic stress disorder, and people who’ve grown up in toxic households or environments suffer from this. People who have been in long term dysfunctional relationships suffer from this. And people who have been incarcerated, usually for long periods of time, suffer from this.
I was incarcerated for 25 years and when I was freed, I honestly thought that I was, “okay” but after being home for a while, I realized that my long stay in prison affected me in many ways. For instance, loud and abrupt noises in prison cause anxiety because it’s usually a fight that started with a hard punch that to someone’s face and then a scuffle with tennis shoes squeaking on the floor, grunts and heated works filled with anger and profanity and fear mingled. So, when someone drops something heavy or you hear an argument, or a whistle is blown abruptly, your heart begins to race from the stress and trauma of the prison environment. I recall hearing a loud whistle one afternoon, it was a crossing guard for a school’s whistle but having heard whistles for 25 years signaling count time in prison, I jumped up for a couple of seconds before looking around the empty room and hoping no one saw this. I giggled a little, but it bothered me knowing that I did it.
Respect is huge in prison, someone’s peace is considered in prison because when you disturb someone’s peace, you never know how far they’ll go to make you understand that mistake. So, when I returned to society, I immediately realized that respect out here wasn’t the same as respect in prison. For instance, at night in prison, the noise becomes a whisper because people need the quiet for sleep and relaxation and if you have people being too loud in their own cells or yelling to someone else’s further from their cell, someone will yell out the door their disapproval and if that warning is not heeded, then there’s likely to be some bloodshed at breakfast. I’ve seen this time and time again. So, when I came home, I had to adjust to people playing their televisions at full volume all hours of the night and it would run my blood hot. Because I considered it so disrespectful and I couldn’t say anything because it wasn’t my home, or place to tell someone how to be in their home.
In prison we learn that when speaking to each other, do so with respect because it’s how you want to be treated… but in society, exhausted fast-food workers will suck their teeth or sigh loudly if you take too long ordering your food and inside, that’s certain to cause a fight but out here, it’s common. Many of us who have done prison time don’t like being in crowded places because in prison that’s usually when someone strikes at an enemy because the crowd can hide their identity and so when in crowded spaces in society, I look for exits; I’m overly cautious, especially if someone is too close and my mind and heart aren’t at ease. All of this is P.T.S.D., and as much as many of us need therapy, we don’t have the money for that, so we strive hard to adjust and retrain ourselves to survive this new environment, and the there are some who struggle much more than others, like the old man who was set free after decades in prison in the movie, “The Shawshank Redemption”, who couldn’t adjust to the “free world”, and ultimately hung himself. P.T.S.D. must be studied in returning citizen’s as well because it will affect us and can be harmful to us and society if resources aren’t made available to us, as we work hard to navigate this world that’s changed so much while we were gone.
When I think of how serious P.T.S.D., is where returning citizens are concerned, I have to recall those tactics and thoughts I use and have had to use to keep myself from being pulled into ugly situations that could potentially lead me back to prison or worse. There are certain situations that have occurred that caused me to nearly get out of character, heated arguments that actually could’ve been avoided, so in speaking from experience I would offer a couple of things to do when confronted with troublesome moments.
1. It is so important to remember that you fought so hard for your freedom that only self-defense is worth risking a return to prison. This is a difficult thing to remember when you’re arguing and your blood is hot and words, we consider to be disrespectful, are being hurled at you…… But you have to muster the strength to pull yourself back from the edge or you could be hearing “, standing count”, “chow call”, “rec. call” once again, or worse. Pride and anger often lead to our downfall, so when you are angered or challenged, recall quickly what you and your loved ones endured and force yourself to calm down and recover yourself.
2. Prison is a structured and busy place, oftentimes, we’re moving around (besides lockdowns) and staying busy and usually we’re pretty social in prison, hanging out with homeboys, sometimes family and people of our ethnic groups, either way, we’re not alone. But I assure you, that when we are freed after that lifestyle, things aren’t the same out here, at least for many of us… Initially, our loved ones and former friends surround us, offering gifts and money and opportunities and ideas and plans, and most mean well and are sincere when they talk to us but as days turn to weeks and weeks to months, these people fade back into their lives, and the proverbial honeymoon is over. We find ourselves unable to reach people, we find ourselves struggling in relationships with our mates or family and our minds begin to think,” it was easier inside”, and this is when we should reach out to someone who understands us and this struggle. Don’t be afraid to get therapy because our struggles are unique to us and everyone isn’t willing to listen to all we’ve been through or how we feel. REACH out to someone and don’t retreat to vices, they only numb the anxiety for the moment, it doesn’t fix it.
And lastly, for me, my faith kept me sane and grounded throughout my incarceration when there wasn’t mail for me, when I didn’t receive visits, when I didn’t have a trustworthy ear or shoulder, God got me through. Many of us eventually found ourselves in the prison mosque, church, temple, or cipher, trying to figure it all out, the “why? “Of all and while in these places we found ourselves, our purpose and our passion. We rose in the ranks and many of us genuinely evolved…. however, when we were freed, we got too busy to pray, to fast, to occupied to attend church or the temple and believe it or not, our spirit and conscience feel this neglect. Or spirit has to be fed like the body and if it’s neglected, our character becomes starved, our attitude changes and our lives will reflect this. I would urge us to be very aware of our time, our blessings and try hard to give credit to The Most High for every opportunity given to us, in prison and outside, because it could always be worse. Again, remember what kept you safe, alive and blessed and strive never to overlook or abandon those.